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Post by Shinobi-Iri (nick) on Jun 1, 2008 9:05:09 GMT -5
All your feedback about "After the Fall" goes here thanks.
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Post by Payrune on Jun 1, 2008 9:41:47 GMT -5
Nice work man. It's cool that you're using stuff from BD that I never went into much detail with, and kind of expanding on it. Looking forward to where you go from here on.
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sion
Vet
Princess of the Twilight
Posts: 113
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Post by sion on Jun 8, 2008 20:43:12 GMT -5
Cant wait for more. I love wars and battles and you write them really well.
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Post by Shinobi-Iri (nick) on Jun 10, 2008 9:12:31 GMT -5
New chapter up, I know you'll appreciate that Payrune. And thanks for the feedback guys, I own you one.  |
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Post by Payrune on Jun 11, 2008 16:13:18 GMT -5
I own you one. lol The new chapter was pretty good. You're actually making something interesting out of the war between the Falachians and Valkanians, something I only paid attention to for like the first chapter of my comic and that was it. Can't wait to see them clash for the first time. Oh, and... “Looks like we’re going into the void now, son…” he said, grinning madly. ROFL. A bit on the ghetto side, isn't he? |
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Post by Shinobi-Iri (nick) on Jun 18, 2008 7:58:27 GMT -5
Couple of new chapters up guys, ch.4 is pretty heavy so check 'em out.
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Post by Payrune on Jun 18, 2008 17:27:06 GMT -5
Just finished reading it. I like the references you made to places in the comic like Kail City, it makes it feel like there's a real connection between our pieces. Although, I think Aiden falling in love with Aryah and kissing her was a little too sudden (Maybe could've had more time to expand on it in the next chapter), but that's alright.
And why wasn't Aiden tied up/restrained when he and Aryah were being held prisoner? It seems like Strauss was just begging for a death wish by beating the hell out of an innocent woman right in front of her unrestrained lover. I thought it would've been more intense if Aiden leapt up and tried to strangle Strauss with his armcuffs, Strauss elbows him in the ribs a couple of times to try and make him let go, but Aiden refuses despite several of his ribs being fractured. Ultimately, he has no other choice but to give in to the killer intent within himself, snapping Strauss' neck.
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Post by Shinobi-Iri (nick) on Jun 18, 2008 19:51:22 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback man, I guess it is a little bit sudden, but you know how quickly these things can develop in real life...or perhaps you don't? I'm kidding, but either way it's an integral part of their relationship for them to be at this point, even though Aiden kissing Aryah in the tent was more of a 'I'm glad your alive kiss' rather than an 'I love you' kiss. When it comes to restraint, I was in a bit of a pickle. I needed Aiden to be able to beat Strauss down, which would have been nigh-on impossible. Sure I could have him break through his bonds, but that was a bit too cliche for my liking. Ultimately, it really comes down to Strauss's ego, and him thinking that a prisoner like Aiden wouldn't dare go up against him like that, although quite obviously he did. Plus this is war time, they don't have time to be making cuffs and chains, they're too busy making junk tanks and swords. |
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sion
Vet
Princess of the Twilight
Posts: 113
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Post by sion on Jun 19, 2008 5:15:04 GMT -5
Wow you really think ahead and understand your own story. I can sometimes find it hard to explain my stories. Things just happen and I never know why hehe.
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Post by Shinobi-Iri (nick) on Jun 19, 2008 6:47:08 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback, I like to be on top of things. If you ever see me in class, head on my hands staring into space...that's what I'm doing.
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Post by Payrune on Jun 19, 2008 12:54:52 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback man, I guess it is a little bit sudden, but you know how quickly these things can develop in real life...or perhaps you don't? I'm kidding, but either way it's an integral part of their relationship for them to be at this point, even though Aiden kissing Aryah in the tent was more of a 'I'm glad your alive kiss' rather than an 'I love you' kiss. When it comes to restraint, I was in a bit of a pickle. I needed Aiden to be able to beat Strauss down, which would have been nigh-on impossible. Sure I could have him break through his bonds, but that was a bit too cliche for my liking. Ultimately, it really comes down to Strauss's ego, and him thinking that a prisoner like Aiden wouldn't dare go up against him like that, although quite obviously he did. Plus this is war time, they don't have time to be making cuffs and chains, they're too busy making junk tanks and swords. Well, I guess that clears things up. We can't read the characters' minds though, lol, you have to mention stuff like that in the actual story. But otherwise good job. Keep it up. |
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Post by Shinobi-Iri (nick) on Jun 20, 2008 0:56:17 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback man, I guess it is a little bit sudden, but you know how quickly these things can develop in real life...or perhaps you don't? I'm kidding, but either way it's an integral part of their relationship for them to be at this point, even though Aiden kissing Aryah in the tent was more of a 'I'm glad your alive kiss' rather than an 'I love you' kiss. When it comes to restraint, I was in a bit of a pickle. I needed Aiden to be able to beat Strauss down, which would have been nigh-on impossible. Sure I could have him break through his bonds, but that was a bit too cliche for my liking. Ultimately, it really comes down to Strauss's ego, and him thinking that a prisoner like Aiden wouldn't dare go up against him like that, although quite obviously he did. Plus this is war time, they don't have time to be making cuffs and chains, they're too busy making junk tanks and swords. Well, I guess that clears things up. We can't read the characters' minds though, lol, you have to mention stuff like that in the actual story. But otherwise good job. Keep it up. Or perhaps I deliberately left it out purely so I could explain it afterwards? No, you're right...that would have been too convenient...I probably should have let you know. Thanks for the advice... |
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sion
Vet
Princess of the Twilight
Posts: 113
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Post by sion on Jun 20, 2008 1:11:23 GMT -5
It can be hard sometimes finding a way to explain and fit some things into a story, sometimes it just doesnt work no matter how hard you try.
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Post by Shinobi-Iri (nick) on Jun 20, 2008 5:24:54 GMT -5
I totally agree with you, but explaination and discussion is one of the best ways to improve writing. It teaches you to plan ahead and structure your writing better. I assure you, once upon a time that was the thing I needed most.
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Post by Shinobi-Iri (nick) on Jun 23, 2008 9:07:31 GMT -5
New chapter, hoping there's not too many spelling errors...that would suck something fierce.
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