FDBK A Rift Between Times

[roze]

i would love to hear what people hav to say about what they think of it so far i'll hurry up and try to finnish the second chapter.

oh and please if you see and bad gramma, sentences that don't make sence, think something would be better phrased a different way or the setting out i would like hints for this is my first time.

[Payrune]

I don't mean to sound harsh...but it's started off really cliche and typical, with the 'waking up from a nightmare' opening, then 'carrying on the day and encountering something odd', and the lazy ending just out of nowhere 'passing out and everything goes black'. This wouldn't necessarily have been such a bad thing if you hadn't of rushed through everything, and kind of gave it some depth and originality.

This also seems more like a fraction of the chapter rather than the actual one, because much of what happens either isn't explained clearly or hasn't gone enough into detail. It all just seems to run on and on to this and then that, while never stopping to really focus on the things that are going on.

What I'm trying to say is, you need to have more than this in your first chapter so readers get a basic idea of what's going on and what's to come, and also to keep them interested and wanting to read more. With this, it was just like a bunch of stuff happened, then ended abruptly.

Once again, I don't mean to be harsh. I hate giving negative feedback, but sometimes it's the best help you can give someone in order for them to realize their mistakes and improve. You don't have to immediately start trying to make it better, just look over and work on what I mentioned.

[roze]

lol i don't mind harsh comments, theres no way better to get better.
but the reason things do not have much detail in the first chapter is beacuse the detail all slow comes out during these "dreams" and the reason this story starts off with a story is because the dream/dreams are a key point to the story line. and on the second chapter it starting to actually start to focus on the things.

[Shinobi-Iri (nick)]

If that's your first attempt at writing a story, then I'm pretty impressed. I know you're an artist by trade, and I know as well as anybody that making a transition between the two can be difficult. Everyone here has seen my drawings, so you know what I'm talking about.

Enough about me, on to your story. Unfortunately, I do have to agree with Payrune on this one, although I can tell there's a potential story writer in you...don't ask me how I know. I'd wholeheartedly encourage you to read my writer's guide, which is in the non-fiction section, it will hopefully give you some tips for improving your writing. I also have issues with the paragraphing, and I'm an advocate of new lines every time somebody new speaks and all that, just makes it easier to read. If you do that, and expand upon what's happening in each part, then you'll have a potential classic on your hands.

Good work so far though, I want to read more!