J.E.M (Prologue)

[sion]

This is the idea i mentioned in the upcoming projects thread. Its about 4 girls who control the 4 elements.
Originally it was going to start of with them in school discovering and learning about their powers but ive changed it now so it starts at their graduation. This means it a bit more of an original idea.

This is sort of a prologue to the rest of the story. Setting up the freindship of the girls.

Please tell me what you think of it.

[sion]

‘Well I guess we won’t be seeing each other for a while huh?’ Rozera said sad, but calm as always.
‘Yeah, we’ve all got jobs now, and they’re not really jobs that encourage socialising.’ Amaya said, choosing this moment to be calm.
‘No kidding. I’m not even allowed to tell anyone my job, ‘though I really do need to come up with a cover story.’ Reiaka said grimacing slightly, but for once not flaring up about it.
‘Yes well, that’s at least better than mine, I’m allowed to tell people but most don’t like it when I do, my job practically makes people run for cover.’ Shiriia sighed.
‘Oh so that’s why you haven’t told us.’ Rozera realised, ‘well I’m the same as Rei, I can’t tell anyone. Not that I really want to, people don’t usually trust people like me.’
‘Same here.’ Amaya added with a slight sigh.
The four friends lapsed into silence as the principle talked about how proud she was of all her students and how she was sure that their employers would be satisfied with them and how they would all excel at what they do.
‘Agh, how long is she going to go on for,’ Reiaka groaned not very quietly and several people turned to shush her.
‘I’m sure it won’t be much longer,’ Rozera said calmly, placing her hand on Reiaka’s shoulder.
‘And now I will present the Graduation certificates and the Job positions to all you fine graduating students.
‘Finally!’ Amaya muttered, her temper clearly rising with impatience. The principle called out each student’s name, presented them with their certificate and their job, the student then went to sit off to one side, where all the job masters sat.
‘Rozera Diadren, congratulations.’ Rozera stood up and received her certificate, before moving to the other seats. Reiaka was next then several other students before Shiriia then Amaya were called. They each sat in their designated seats, no longer together. They all knew that they were now separated, and not just by a few seats.
One of the masters nodded solemnly at Shiriia and she walked past and she nodded back. To the casual observer it was simply a master congratulating a student and the in turn expressing their gratitude. In reality it was a confirmation that an order and mission would be carried out.
As more newly graduated students took their place the four friend’s view of each other was obscured and even more distance came between them.
Shiriia fingered the device strapped to her wrist, concealed by the long sleeves of her graduation gown and the black leather gloves she had begun to wear after receiving her job. She sighed inwardly and glanced around, Rozera was the only one of her friends she could see. Rozera glanced her way and where the two of them would have once smiled and pulled faces at each other they simply nodded seriously at each other. Shiriia felt sadness well up within her, already the group had dispersed, the knowledge and responsibility of their jobs driving wedges between them. She looked back around and saw the master that had nodded to her staring hard at her, the order in his eyes as another student walked to join the ranks of the graduated. She knew him, he wasn’t a friend but they’d had some classes together. The knowledge of what she was about to do made the bile rise up her throat and she recalled the words that had already steeled her against many harsh realities: emotions are not bad, but they can overwhelm you, turn them into strength and use them to complete your job.
She forced herself to close off her heart as she pulled her right glove off, revealing the device beneath. She stroked the crystal and held it up to her mouth breathing softly across it. Her breath caused the gem to shimmer and change colour, going from pale green to blue to purple. The small puff of breath shot across the room and encircled the young man as he walked. He stopped and clutched his throat, gagging and gasping; he coughed several times, bringing up blood before collapsing to the ground, already dead. Everyone saw him fall and so only one person saw Shiriia slip the glove back on, and the single tear that escaped to slid down her cheek. Rozera sighed softly and looked away from her friend, catching the eye of one of the masters; he nodded curtly to her and looked away. The young man’s body was moved away and the ceremony continued, after all, it wasn’t the first time someone had dropped dead in the middle of something.
After the ceremony Shriia headed off to her knew quarters. As she walked she felt a hand come to rest briefly on her shoulder and she felt someone lean in close to her.
‘That was messy, people noticed and there was evidence. You must train hard.’ The voice was soft but filled with authority and Shiriia nodded curtly. The man moved off striding past her without a backward glance.
She arrived at the plain and unassuming building and nodded to the man, flashing her pattern on her glove that passed as identification. She walked inside the building that was now her home. The Assassin’s Guild.

[Payrune]

Jul 11, 2008 8:49:09 GMT -5 sion said:

"Well, I guess we won’t be seeing each other for a while, huh?" Rozera said sadly, but calm as always.
"Yeah, we’ve all got jobs now, and they’re not really jobs that encourage socializing," Amaya said, choosing this moment to be calm.
"No kidding. I’m not even allowed to tell anyone my job, ‘though I really do need to come up with a cover story," Reiaka said, grimacing slightly, but for once not flaring up about it.

"Yes, well, that’s at least better than mine; I’m allowed to tell people but most don’t like it when I do. My job practically makes people run for cover," Shiriia sighed.
"Oh, so that’s why you haven’t told us," Rozera realized. "Well, I’m the same as Rei, I can’t tell anyone. Not that I really want to, people don’t usually trust people like me."
"Same here," Amaya added with a slight sigh.

The four friends lapsed into silence as the principle talked about how proud she was of all her students, how she was sure that their employers would be satisfied with them, and how they would all excel at what they do.
"Agh, how long is she going to go on for?!" Reiaka groaned, not very quietly, and several people turned to shush her.

"I’m sure it won’t be much longer," Rozera said calmly, placing her hand on Reiaka’s shoulder.
"And now I will present the graduation certificates and the job positions to all you fine graduating students."
"Finally!" Amaya muttered, her temper clearly rising with impatience.

The principle called out each student’s name, presented them with their certificate and their job, and the student then went to sit off to one side, where all the job masters sat.
"Rozera Diadren, congratulations." Rozera stood up and received her certificate, before moving to the other seats.

Reiaka was next, then several other students before Shiriia and Amaya were called. They each sat in their designated seats, no longer together. They all knew that they were now separated, and not just by a few seats.

One of the masters nodded solemnly at Shiriia and she walked past, nodding back. To the casual observer it was simply a master congratulating a student, and in turn expressing their gratitude. In reality it was a confirmation that an order and mission would be carried out.

As more newly graduated students took their place, the four friends' view of each other was obscured and even more distance came between them. Shiriia fingered the device strapped to her wrist, concealed by the long sleeves of her graduation gown and the black leather gloves she had begun to wear after receiving her job. She sighed inwardly and glanced around; Rozera was the only one of her friends she could see.

Rozera glanced her way and where the two of them would have once smiled and pulled faces at each other, they simply nodded seriously at each other. Shiriia felt sadness well up within her, already the group had dispersed, the knowledge and responsibility of their jobs driving wedges between them. She looked back around and saw the master that had nodded to her staring hard at her, the order in his eyes as another student walked to join the ranks of the graduated.

She knew him; he wasn’t a friend, but they’d had some classes together. The knowledge of what she was about to do made the bile rise up her throat and she recalled the words that had already steeled her against many harsh realities: Emotions are not bad, but they can overwhelm you. Turn them into strength and use them to complete your job.

She forced herself to close off her heart as she pulled her right glove off, revealing the device beneath. She stroked the crystal and held it up to her mouth, breathing softly across it. Her breath caused the gem to shimmer and change color, going from pale green to blue to purple. The small puff of breath shot across the room and encircled the young man as he walked.

He stopped and clutched his throat, gagging and gasping; he coughed several times, bringing up blood before collapsing to the ground, already dead. Everyone saw him fall and so only one person saw Shiriia slip the glove back on, and the single tear that escaped to slide down her cheek.

Rozera sighed softly and looked away from her friend, catching the eye of one of the masters; he nodded curtly to her and looked away. The young man’s body was moved away and the ceremony continued. After all, it wasn’t the first time someone had dropped dead in the middle of something.

After the ceremony Shriia headed off to her new quarters. As she walked she felt a hand come to rest briefly on her shoulder and she felt someone lean in close to her.
"That was messy, people noticed and there was evidence. You must train hard." The voice was soft but filled with authority and Shiriia nodded curtly. The man then moved off, striding past her without a backward glance.

She arrived at the plain and unassuming building and nodded to the man, flashing the pattern on her glove that passed as identification. She walked inside the building that was now her home: The Assassin’s Guild.

I haven't written in a while, but I did my best to fix up your grammar and spelling mistakes. There was some odd paragraphing as well, mostly in huge, overlapping chunks that I attempted to divide evenly. Also, every time a character spoke you used apostrophes instead of quotation marks, for some reason...

For the story itself, since you've just started off and all, I think you should've went into a bit more detail with certain things. I had a hard time telling the girls apart, for example, because they all seem to have the same attitude, agreeing on the same thing, etc. it's like they're all the same person or something. Some detail on their appearances and such would've helped to differentiate between them. First impressions are always important.

When the guy was killed, I felt the story was lacking here because it gave no explanation or hint as to why he was being killed. You just had him killed off. Because of this, it makes the assassin seem more like a hired hitman (hit...woman?) who just kills off people without a cause, just doing it because they were ordered to.

The Assassin's Guild kind of seemed an unoriginal and cliche name. Maybe you could've given it a more interesting, realistic title that makes it not so obvious that it's a place for killers.

Lastly, J.E.M, another mystery... What does it stand for?

[sion]

Jul 11, 2008 10:11:20 GMT -5 Payrune said:

I haven't written in a while, but I did my best to fix up your grammar and spelling mistakes. There was some odd paragraphing as well, mostly in huge, overlapping chunks that I attempted to divide evenly. Also, every time a character spoke you used apostrophes instead of quotation marks, for some reason...

I always do that. Something ive picked up from reading, lots of the books i read dont use quotation marks.

Jul 11, 2008 10:11:20 GMT -5 Payrune said:

For the story itself, since you've just started off and all, I think you should've went into a bit more detail with certain things. I had a hard time telling the girls apart, for example, because they all seem to have the same attitude, agreeing on the same thing, etc. it's like they're all the same person or something. Some detail on their appearances and such would've helped to differentiate between them. First impressions are always important.

Yeah I know its lacking a bit there. This wasn’t originally going to be the start of the story, i had written another part to it but I decided to change that. I might redo this to add more detail or put the detail in the next part, whichever works out better.

Jul 11, 2008 10:11:20 GMT -5 Payrune said:

When the guy was killed, I felt the story was lacking here because it gave no explanation or hint as to why he was being killed. You just had him killed off. Because of this, it makes the assassin seem more like a hired hitman (hit...woman?) who just kills off people without a cause, just doing it because they were ordered to.

In a way that's sort of what she is to start off with. She's a low ranking assassin who simply does her job. This is something that will also be explained a lot more in the next part which Im writing now. When the girls meet up again a few years later Shiriia explains that, that was her first job, she didnt really know why at the time although she finds out later. I sort of had the idea that his death has a reason and place in the main part of the story.

Jul 11, 2008 10:11:20 GMT -5 Payrune said:

The Assassin's Guild kind of seemed an unoriginal and cliche name. Maybe you could've given it a more interesting, realistic title that makes it not so obvious that it's a place for killers.

Yeah i know its rather cliché, i was trying to come up with a better name but I couldnt think of one, I though'd id just put that in to finish it off so I could post it. Also no one else know's what it is. Something else i should probably have explained a bit better.

Jul 11, 2008 10:11:20 GMT -5 Payrune said:

Lastly, J.E.M, another mystery... What does it stand for?

hehe yes a mystery!!! Well not really. It stands for Jewel Element Manipulation. They are cystals which allow the girls to manipulate their elements.

[Shinobi-Iri (nick)]

Good bit of feedback Justin, I'm glad you didn't just post the standard PR stuff...you know what I'm talking about. I'd be more guilty of that than you, so maybe I should be speaking about myself.

As for your story, I really enjoyed it. I like this concept, and I think you can make something really epic out of this, you seem to be heading that way already so that's good!

My criticisms are basically the same as Payrune's, since I'm so original and all. But I think this is a good thing; you have a piece of writing that you can now fix up and make better, this will help you as a writer because self-correction is a fine art and it's damn hard to do, but the more critisism you receive then the better at it you'll be, and that's always good.

I've always been an advocate of proper paragraphing, it really makes the read a whole lot easier, plus editing will be simplified too. Just try to insert definitive paragraphs, you'll be happy about that later.

Overall, good job...well done Sion.

[sion]

This is the edited version. Ive tried to fixed everything you pointed out but if Ive missed anything or you pick up something else I would appreciate your input. I know I havent given the Assassin's Guild a new name but thats simply because I havent be able to think of anything.



‘Well I guess we won’t be seeing each other for a while huh?’ Rozera said calm as always, her hazel eyes shimmering.

‘Yeah, we’ve all got jobs now, and they’re not really jobs that encourage socialising.’ Amaya said, her own deep blue eyes sad.

‘No kidding. I’m not even allowed to tell anyone my job, ‘though I really do need to come up with a cover story, at least for the moment.’ Reiaka said grimacing slightly, but for once not flaring up about it, although her fiery red eyes sparked with suppressed emotions.

‘Yes well, that’s at least better than mine, I’m allowed to tell people but most don’t like it when I do, my job practically makes people run for cover.’ Shiriia sighed, her pale green eyes clouded.

‘Oh so that’s why you haven’t told us.’ Rozera realised, ‘well I’m the same as Rei, I can’t tell anyone. Not that I really want to, people don’t usually trust people like me.’

‘Same here.’ Amaya added with a slight sigh.

The four friends lapsed into silence as the principle talked about how proud she was of all her students and how she was sure that their employers would be satisfied with them and how they would all excel at what they do.

It had been six years since they first enrolled at the school for Battle Magic and six years since they had first met each other. In those six years they had fine-tuned their control over their elements; Rozera over Earth, Amaya over Water, Reiaka over Fire and Shiriia over Wind. Now they were graduating along with all the other students of the same age. They were different however, they always had been. With their magic made up of a single element and not a combination of more than one. They had of course become friends, training and practising with each other, becoming almost inseparable. Even now at Graduation they were different, unlike most of the other students they knew exactly what job they would be going into. Shiriia and Rozera had already begun, although no one else knew this.

‘Agh, how long is she going to go on for,’ Reiaka groaned not very quietly after a while, causing several people to turn and shush her.

‘I’m sure it won’t be much longer,’ Rozera said calmly, placing her hand on Reiaka’s shoulder.

‘And now I will present the Graduation certificates and the Job positions to all you fine graduating students.

‘Finally!’ Amaya muttered, her temper, as unpredictable as her element, clearly rising with impatience. The principle called out each student’s name, presented them with their certificate and declaration of their job, the student then went to sit off to one side, where all the Job Masters sat.

‘Rozera Diadren, congratulations.’ Rozera stood and walked up onto the stage to receive her certificate, before moving to the other seats. Reiaka was next then several other students before Shiriia then Amaya were called. They each sat in their newly designated seats, no longer together. They all knew that they were now separated, and not just by a few seats.

One of the masters nodded solemnly at Shiriia and she walked past and she nodded back. To the casual observer it was simply a master congratulating a student and the student in turn expressing their gratitude. In reality it was a confirmation that an order and mission would be carried out.

As more newly graduated students took their places the four friend’s view of each other was obscured and even more distance came between them.

Shiriia fingered the device strapped to her wrist, concealed by the long sleeves of her graduation gown and the black leather gloves she had begun to wear after receiving her job. She sighed inwardly and glanced around, Rozera was the only one of her friends she could see. Rozera glanced her way and where the two of them would have once smiled and pulled faces at each other they simply nodded seriously at each other, Rozera’s long brown hair half obscuring her face. Shiriia felt sadness well up within her, already the group had dispersed; the knowledge and responsibility of their jobs driving wedges between them. She looked back around and saw the master that had nodded to her staring hard at her, the order clear in his eyes as another student walked to join the ranks of the graduated.

Shiriia knew him, he wasn’t a friend but they’d had some classes together. The knowledge of what she was about to do made the bile rise up her throat and she recalled the words that had already steeled her against many harsh realities, the words that had been spoken to her when she had learned of her job: emotions are not bad, but they can overwhelm you, turn them into strength and use them to complete your job.

She forced herself to close off her heart as she pulled her right glove off, revealing the intricate device beneath. The metal of the device was snaked around her hand, holding a crystal snug in her palm. She stroked the crystal and held it up to her mouth, allowing her long light blonde hair to conceal the motion as she breathed softly across it. Her breath caused the gem to shimmer and change colour, going from pale green to blue to purple. The small puff of breath shot across the room and encircled the young man as he walked. He stopped and clutched his throat, gagging and gasping; he coughed several times, bringing up blood before collapsing to the ground, already dead.

Everyone’s attention was on him as he fell and so only one person saw Shiriia slip the glove back on, and the single tear that escaped to slide down her cheek. Rozera sighed softly and looked away from her friend, catching the eye of one of the masters; he nodded curtly to her and looked away. The young man’s body was moved away and the ceremony continued, after all, it wasn’t the first time someone had dropped dead in the middle of something.

After the ceremony Shiriia headed off to her new quarters. Carefully avoiding her friends, she couldn’t bring herself to look at them, not after what she had just done. She looked at them though, Reiaka, tall and confident, tossing her flame red hair over her shoulder as she walked, Amaya, slightly smaller but no less self assured, slipping between people, her bluey-black hair catching the sun and Rozera who stood off to one side watching everyone else, her brown hair obscuring her as always.

As Shiriia walked she felt a hand come to rest briefly on her shoulder and she felt someone lean in close to her.

‘That was messy, people noticed and there was evidence. You must train hard. You need to get better before you will be trusted with more than just a simple Kill Request’ The voice was soft but filled with authority and Shiriia nodded curtly. The man moved off striding past her without a backward glance.

She arrived at the plain and unassuming building and nodded to the man, flashing the pattern on her glove that passed as identification. The people passing by barely gave the building a second glace, they didn’t know what it was and they didn’t care. Shiriia walked inside the building that was now her home, with no one looking or caring. The Assassin’s Guild.