Matching Scars

[sion]

This is a short story I wrote for school. Im not sure if it actually goes in this genre but oh well.
This is after 5 drafts and almost as many rewrites.

[sion]

Matching Scars

Serika heard the uneasy mutterings of soldiers behind her. They were a little edgy but she tuned out the noise, waiting, staying focused. Waiting for the order from the King, she felt would be delivered by her best friend and fellow orphan Sam, after hearing one of the communicators was down.
After a while she shrugged and turned to face her men. She slung her pack from her shoulders and let it fell to the ground. She casually lent against the bunker wall, attempting to relax her troops. The wind blew across them and blew her red hair into her eyes. She reached up and brushed her fringe out of her eyes, glimpsing the long scar on her hand.
The scar was from her very first fight, five years ago. Strong opponents had surrounded her, she had been outnumbered but determined to go down fighting. The enemy soldiers had unexpectedly fallen in quick succession until Serika found herself facing a tall and handsome enemy. He was obviously skilled and now Serika knew she would die. Instead of fighting her however, the man had simply smiled and flicked his sword, leaving a long thin cut on the back of her right hand causing her to drop her sword. He turned and disappeared into the fighting. She hadn’t seen him since, although she had searched every battlefield for him. There had been something almost familiar about him, though she couldn’t think what.

Serika knew her troops were still anxious, despite her efforts, and she couldn’t really blame them. This was their first major battle after all. She always hated waiting for the order from the King and this time was no different. She wanted to attack now, to get it over with but forced herself be patient. She occupied herself by surveying the battlefield with an experienced eye, taking in every tree, rock and dip, noting how the dust blew across the ground and how each of these factors could turn the tide of a battle.
‘Yo Serii, I got a message for ya,’ a familiar voice called, welcome but too loud for Serika’s liking.
‘Honestly Sam, could you be any louder?’
‘Probably!’ the boy said grinning coming to a halt in front of her, lowering his voice as he stopped.
Serika smiled at Sam as he stopped next to her. The two of them had been best friends for as long as she could remember. They were both orphans and wards of the castle. Neither had ever known their parents and Serika relished the quiet moments they had together, even if those moments happened to arise on the brink of a major battle.
‘Anyway,’ Sam said, seriously, ‘I have the order from the King.’ Serika took the envelope from him and scanned the document inside.
Turning towards her troops Serika spoke. ‘Orders from the King, when the signal appears we break cover and attack.’ She outlined the basic battle plan as ordered, adding in her own parts as she thought of them. Sam stood next to her as they waited.

They saw the first signal at the same time, a bright green beam of light shooting up from the castle. Serika turned to her troops to see they were all ready. Crouching slightly she rested her hand on the pommel of her sword. Sam quickly placed his hand on the bunker wall, ready to pull it down at the second signal.
The second signal appeared, this time a red beam and Serika yelled, ‘NOW!’ Each soldier leapt over the wall as Sam pulled it down and raced towards the startled enemy. Serika led the charge. She was metres ahead of the others within seconds. Drawing her sword at the last moment she used that momentum to slash at the first enemy. Serika attacked swiftly and efficiently, aiding her inexperienced troops. Within moments the small enemy group was dead.
A third signal appeared from the castle, two green beams; the signal for continuous and independent unit attack. Sam saw Serika wave her sword towards the next enemy group and soon her unit were charging again. Sam couldn’t help himself; he jumped onto the once again upright wall and yelled at the top of his lungs, ‘YOU BETTER COME BACK ALIVE!’ He saw Serika turn slightly and despite the distance he saw her grin and wave her sword above her head. Then she was gone; her red braided hair flashing in the sun. Sam sighed and shook his head, ready to head off again.

Serika paused as the enemy in front of her collapsed, wiping sweat and blood from her face. She didn’t know how long they had been fighting, the seconds and minutes and hours blended together. Her group had separated slightly, and she was now alone.
Suddenly an enemy soldier leapt at her, sword raised and she swung round to block it but before he got close he fell with a strangled gasp. Serika looked up and stared into the eyes she had seen five years ago. The man smiled again and turned to go. He had taken only one step before she dashed in front of him. ‘I don’t know who you are, or why you saved me…again.’ She said, her voice steady, ‘but you are an enemy and you must be defeated!’ she raised her sword and prepared to attack. The man didn’t move he didn’t raise his sword or try to escape; he simply stood there, smiling. Serika told herself that he had to die, that he was an enemy, but she couldn’t move, she couldn’t do it. She realised that she couldn’t kill him, not when he had saved her…twice!
So, steeling herself she flicked her sword. The blade cut deeply into the man’s right hand, causing him to drop his sword. Only pausing to grin and say, ‘Pay back!’ she spun leaping back into the fray. The man smiled and picked up his sword, he turned around and seemed to fade away, ghostlike. A faint murmur whispered across the field, ‘Do well, daughter.’

[Shinobi-Iri (nick)]

Wow, nice work Sion. I really like the back story your story has, it's details only reach the extent where you only have a vague idea of the world and it's peoples, and it makes you want to know more. That's always a good thing, keeps people reading if you decide to expand it.

I also enjoyed your inclusion of a female lead character, and strong one at that. I'm guilty of created male leads because I myself am a male, but I try to include females as much as possible. I liked Serika though, nice work.

Good setting out, your use of paragraphs is excellent and each individual paragraph isn't too long. I found it easy to keep track of where I was, and I liked the way you managed to keep the word count down while still including vital details. That's hard to do, but you did it well.

I look forward to more from you.

-Shinobi

[Payrune]

That was pretty cool and well-written. Nice conclusion as well, having the guy who'd been protecting her all that time actually be her father. Didn't see that coming. I should have though. >_>

Anyway, keep it up!

[sion]

Thanks heaps guys. I really love the fact that you like it. I did try to keep it from being too predictable, something that can be kind of hard with a limited word count.